Grieving a Difficult Mother: What to Do When Grief Feels Complicated
A gentle note before you read: this post talks about difficult family relationships and the complicated feelings that can follow a death. Please take it at your own pace, and step away whenever you need to.
If your mother has died and your feelings are tangled, you are not doing grief wrong. Many people feel sadness, anger, relief and guilt all at once after losing a parent they had a difficult relationship with. These feelings can sit side by side, and none of them cancels out the others.
That was the heart of my conversation with author Justine Nicholson on Grief Unedited . Justine wrote The Grief No One Talks About: How to Heal After Losing a Narcissistic Mother from her own lived experience, and I'd love you to hear her speak about it in her own words.
Listen to the full episode here → https://open.spotify.com/episode/2JghNCJhyxzGeJv0rQw4Mf?si=Z0XZcRyyThq30LnekwrQVQ
Can you grieve someone who hurt you?
Yes. Grief is a response to losing a relationship, and relationships are rarely simple.
Justine described feeling “sadness, absolutely”, but also anger, then relief, then guilt for feeling angry, and guilt again for feeling relieved. She couldn't find that mix reflected in the books and social media posts she turned to. Much of the language around grief assumed a loving, uncomplicated bond, so it didn't fit what she was living through.
If that sounds familiar, there is nothing wrong with you. You're grieving a relationship that was complicated, and your grief is allowed to be complicated too.
Why do people feel relief after a death, and is it normal?
Relief is a very common response, and it doesn't mean you didn't love the person.
We often hear about relief when someone has been ill for a long time and is no longer suffering. Justine's relief was different. It came from the end of a painful relationship, and she imagined the difficulty would simply be over. She found that death doesn't work that way. As she put it, death doesn't end the relationship, and it doesn't turn a difficult relationship into a loving one.
What is the shame that can come with this kind of grief?
Many people carry shame when their grief doesn't match what others expect to see. Friends may be losing parents around the same time, and you may feel you're meant to be devastated in the same way. Justine spoke about the social message that you “don't speak ill of the dead”, and how hard it can be to say out loud that you are both grieving someone and struggling with what the relationship was like.
I'm a big believer that nobody else gets to tell you what your grief should look like. Until we've lived inside someone's relationship, we can't know what their loss feels like, and we should never assume.
Can you love someone and find them hard to be around?
You can. Justine was clear that she loved her mother very much, and that she also lived with fear and confusion because of the way they related to each other. Words and actions often didn't match, which is deeply confusing for a child trying to make sense of the world.
She also spoke about something many of us recognise: when a parent is critical, a child rarely thinks “something is wrong with how I'm being loved”. They think “something is wrong with me”. That inner voice can outlast the relationship, and even outlast the person.
What is ambiguous loss, and how does it relate to a difficult parent?
Ambiguous loss is grief for someone who is still alive but absent in some way, or for a relationship that has changed or ended without a death. It can follow estrangement or illness, and it can follow years of loving someone who couldn't give you what you needed.
Justine described losing her mother “over and over again” through the years. After her mother died, she also grieved the relationship she never got to have, and the quiet hope that things might one day change.
This kind of loss often goes unseen. There are rarely sympathy cards or neighbours at the door with food, which can make it lonelier still. Justine was thoughtful about not wanting to claim a term that belongs to others, but I'd gently say this: if the words help you make sense of your experience, you're allowed to use them. Language can give us something to hold on to.
Does grief get better in a straight line?
Often not, and Justine was honest about this. She had expected sadness, then a steady path to feeling better. Instead, just over three years on, some days she feels fine, and other days grief catches her through tears, anger or shame. Grief tends to curl back on itself rather than march forward, and that is a normal part of how it works.
How can I support someone who is grieving?
Near the end of our conversation we talked about how uncomfortable many of us feel around grief, and how that discomfort can leave bereaved people isolated. My advice is the same one Justine echoed: say something, even if it isn't perfect.
You don't need a wise line. “I've been thinking about you” or “How are you today?” is enough. Someone in grief has already thought every hard thought there is, and a kind word rarely makes it worse. Silence, though, can leave them feeling more alone.
A book that is part story, part workbook
I particularly love that Justine's book isn't only her story. Each chapter closes with reflections, tools and resources, so readers can ask “what about me?” and begin working through their own relationships at their own pace. Justine is already working on a second book, focused more on healing practices.
You can find Justine at JustineNicholson.com and on TikTok, Instagram and Facebook as Justine Nicholson Author.
Gentle support if this feels close to home
Complicated grief can be heavy to carry alone. A trained grief counsellor can offer a space where all of your feelings are welcome. If you'd like to talk, you can find out about my counselling here.
Justine also spoke briefly about how overwhelming this experience can become. If you ever feel that life is too much, please reach out to someone you trust, your GP, or Samaritans, who are available any time on 116 123 (UK and Ireland).
Listen to the full conversation with Justine on Grief Unedited → [EPISODE LINK]
If it helped, please share the episode with someone who might need it. Sharing is the best way to help the podcast reach people. Grief Unedited is also an award-recognised podcast, highly commended in the sex, family and relationships category at the Scottish Podcast Awards.
FAQ
Is it normal to feel relief after my mother dies?
Yes. Relief is a common part of grief, especially after a difficult relationship, and it can sit alongside sadness and love.
Can you grieve someone you had a difficult relationship with?
Yes. You may grieve the person, the relationship you had, and the one you hoped for.
What is ambiguous loss?
Grief for a loss that is unclear or unrecognised, such as estrangement, or for someone who is still living but absent or changed.
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