Talking to Children About Death: Why Grief Education Matters

5 days ago

7 min read

A gentle note before you read: this post talks about the death of a parent and about children and grief. Take it at your own pace, and pause whenever you need to.

Here's a question I hear a lot, usually asked quietly and often with a worried face: “Should I tell my child what's happening?”

My answer, after more than 15 years of sitting with bereaved families, is almost always yes, gently, honestly, and in a way that fits their age. Children usually know that something is wrong long before anyone says it out loud. What helps them most is not being shielded from every hard thing, but having a trusted adult stay close while they make sense of it.

That's exactly what I got to explore with John Adams, a fourth-generation funeral director and the man behind the campaign to bring death, dying and bereavement into the school curriculum in England, on Grief Unedited, [Why we need bereavement education in schools]. It's a warm, honest conversation, and I'd love you to listen. In the meantime, here are some of the things that stayed with me.

Listen to the full episode here → https://open.spotify.com/episode/5wuIlM56szoYPSZpW0uI1t?si=HVrtqbHwQx6jBW93g4DvPQ

Watch Here:

Why talking to children about death matters

John was 12 when his mum, Maria, died. She had been diagnosed when he was 6, and his dad, Chris, had told him honestly, that she was going to die. John described how hard that must have been for his dad, and how much it gave him. Because he'd been prepared, he was able to be with his mum at the end, to talk to her and to tell her it was okay to go. He is still deeply grateful for that.

John's view is that difficult conversations are often the most important ones. Many families, out of love, try to protect children from death, but that can leave them feeling left out, unheard and disconnected. As John put it, when we overprotect, we can end up causing more harm.

This isn't about saying children should go to every funeral. John was clear that he isn't “the guy who thinks children should go to funerals”. It's about holding space: asking a child how they're feeling, asking whether they'd like to be involved, and respecting that a parent or guardian knows their child best. Sometimes the answer is “not this time”, and that's okay too.

Why is bereavement education in schools so important?

Almost every child will lose someone they love, or have a friend who does. And yet, as I said to John, we teach children about so many important parts of life, but have rarely taught them what to do when someone dies.

I know this one personally. I was 11 when my dad died suddenly, and the adults around me, who loved me very much, didn't have the grief literacy to know how to support me. That's part of why this work matters so much to me, and why John's campaign struck such a chord.

John started a petition in October 2022, with six months to gather 10,000 signatures. Some people told him it would never work. It closed in April 2023 with over 11,000 signatures, and the work has since gone on to a debate in Parliament. John told me that hearing his mum's name said so often in the chamber was hard to put into words. He said it doesn't feel like his journey but hers, and that he is simply the mouthpiece. He also shared that the curriculum changes are due to begin in September 2026.

One thing I loved is that John sees this education as being for every child, not only bereaved ones. It's about all young people learning how to show up for a friend: to be kind, to be patient, to say “come and sit with us at lunch”. No one needs to become a trained counsellor to do that.

At what age can children understand death?

Here's the rule of thumb I've leaned on throughout my career: if a child is asking questions about loss, they're old enough to understand an answer. Our job as adults is to work out how to explain it in a way that suits their age and stage.

John added something I think is just as important: it's okay to say “I don't know”. He told me about a frightening experience while travelling with his family, when his eldest son wanted to understand what was going on around them. Being honest, calm and reassuring (including admitting what he didn't know) helped his son feel secure. John compared it to grief: a death can feel like a storm, but with honest conversations along the way, things settle.

Children are already exposed to death more than we sometimes realise, in films, on the news and in the world around them. If you'd like a gentle way in, try pausing a film when a character is going through a loss and asking, “How do you think they're feeling right now?” It's a lovely, low-pressure way to talk about emotions like sadness, anger and guilt.

Why it helps children to see us grieve

Children look to the adults around them to tell them whether something is okay. If we hide our sadness behind closed doors, they can learn that grief is something to be ashamed of. If they see us feeling sad and still coping, they learn that grief is a normal, human response. You don't have to be perfect. You just have to be honest.

What do you say to someone who is grieving?

This is the question I'm asked most by adults. John has seen both sides: bereaved people who feel nobody showed up, and friends who truly cared but simply didn't know what to say. His advice is lovely and simple. You don't need the perfect words. Take round a lasagne. Leave a cake at the door and send a text saying, “I've left you a cake at the front door. I'm not sure what to say, but I'm thinking of you.”

A small, kind gesture like that can make the world feel a little more connected, and that is what grief needs more than anything.

What is the role of a funeral director, and what choices do families have?

John would love people to know that most funeral directors are caring, community-minded people, often family businesses, who are there in someone's darkest moments. They often aren't big marketers, so their quiet work isn't always seen.

He also emphasised that families often don't know what's possible. Giving people information early helps them feel informed and in control, and control is something grief can strip away. John shared a moving story of a family who were in panic and chaos until he gave them the choice to be involved in caring for their loved one. They were calmer afterwards, and the family later helped to close the coffin lid together. He described it as “hard, but special”.

John calls these “connection points”: small acts that help us feel connected to the person who has died, from choosing what happens during the days after a death to taking part in the care of a loved one. Not everyone will want to do these things, and that's fine. What matters is that people are offered the choice.

It reminded me of something from my baby loss work: the difference between memory giving and memory making. Being handed a keepsake can be lovely, but being part of creating it, like helping to take a fingerprint, can mean so much more.

A lesson from John's journey

When I asked John what he'd learned from campaigning, he said you have to be really clear about why you're doing something, because doubters will always be there. He also told me that doing this work has brought him closer to his mum. He feels he knows her more, and admires her bravery.

I think that's a beautiful reminder that grief and love are connected, and that loss can sometimes become the reason we show up for others.

Find out more about John Adams

You can find John through Perry & Phillips, his family funeral service in Bridgnorth, Shropshire, on LinkedIn (search John Adams), and on his podcast, Death: A Changing Industry.

Gentle support if this feels close to home

If this has stirred up your own experience of loss, you don't have to carry it alone. A grief counsellor can offer a space where everything is welcome. If you'd like to talk, you can find out about my counselling here.

Listen to the full conversation with John on Grief Unedited → [EPISODE LINK]

If it helped, please like and share the episode with someone who might benefit. It's how the podcast reaches the people who need it.

FAQ

Should I tell a child that someone is dying or has died?

In most cases, yes. Honest, calm, age-appropriate explanations help children feel included and secure, and they usually sense something is wrong anyway.

How old does a child need to be to understand death?

If a child is asking questions about loss, they are old enough for an honest answer pitched at their age and stage.

Should children go to funerals?

Not necessarily. The aim is to ask children how they feel and whether they'd like to be involved, while the parent or guardian decides what is right for their child.

What can I say to someone who is grieving?

You don't need perfect words. A simple message such as “I'm not sure what to say, but I'm thinking of you”, or a small kind act like bringing a meal, can mean a great deal.

Is bereavement education being taught in schools?

In England, campaigning led by John Adams has resulted in curriculum changes that were described on the episode as due to begin in September 2026. Check current government guidance for details.