How Men and Women Grieve Differently: Insights from the Dual Process Model

Grief is a universal human experience, yet it manifests differently across individuals, often influenced by gender. The Dual Process Model, developed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut in the late 1990s, provides valuable insights into these differences. As a grief counsellor, this model is something that changed the way I approached my work, and when delivering training, I often find myself calling this my " favourite grief model" (who knew there was such a thing!) This model challenges traditional views of grief by highlighting two distinct processes: loss-oriented and restoration-oriented coping. In this article, we'll explore how these processes differ between men and women, helping you understand how grief can often look very different for different people.

Introduction to the Dual Process Model

The Dual Process Model moves away from the idea that grief must be "worked through" in a linear fashion. Instead, it suggests that individuals oscillate (move back and forth) between two primary modes of coping:

• Loss-oriented coping: This involves focusing on the emotional aspects of grief, such as memories, yearning, and sadness. It's about confronting and processing the loss.

• Restoration-oriented coping: This focuses on the practical aspects of life after loss, such as learning new skills or managing daily tasks that the deceased used to handle.

Gender Differences in Grief

Research indicates that men and women often approach these coping processes differently, influenced by societal roles and expectations.

Men's Grief

Men are more likely to engage in restoration-oriented activities as a way to cope with grief. This can involve taking on new responsibilities, such as managing household chores or financial affairs, which helps them maintain a sense of control and normalcy. Men may also express their grief through actions rather than words, using physical activities or work as a distraction from emotional pain. When couples are grieving the loss of the same person, I've often heard men express that they feel a sense of helplessness, or uselessness as they struggle to know how best to help their spouse. Often what this shows up as, is 'doing stuff' to help lighten their partners load.

Women's Grief

Women, on the other hand, tend to focus more on loss-oriented coping. They often express their emotions more openly, engaging in activities like reminiscing, crying, or talking about their feelings. This emotional expression is seen as a way to process and understand their grief, however this can also sometimes be perceived as 'not coping'. Women are sadly, often labelled as "too emotional" when they express their true feelings. My hope in writing this post, is that it sheds some light on why, often, men and women misunderstand each other in their grief journey.

A note on gender

Whilst Stroebe and Schut's research talks about men and women, I wanted to add a note about my own experience of this model in my therapy room. I have met many emotionally attuned men, and many practical and pragmatic women... the research is a suggestion of what the data says, but people are people, not data. There's also no scientific backing to what I'm going to say next (at least not that I'm aware of), but when I work with same sex couples, I see the same pattern emerging. One person is more emotionally focused, and the other is more practically focused. Over the years that I've been sitting with people, I've come to explain it as yin and yang. If both people are in the trenches of their emotions, day to day functioning can be tricky, however if both people are focused on doing the tasks, then it usually means there's no space to sit down and actually witness their feelings. So like all good things in life, it's about balance.

The Role of Oscillation

The Dual Process Model emphasises oscillation between these two coping strategies. Individuals may switch between focusing on their emotional pain and engaging in practical tasks to manage their daily lives. This oscillation is crucial for healthy coping, allowing individuals to balance their emotional needs with the demands of living after a loss.

Conclusion

Understanding these differences can help us support those grieving in a more personalised way. By acknowledging that both loss-oriented and restoration-oriented coping are valid and necessary, we can create a more inclusive environment for people to express their grief. Whether through emotional expression or practical action, the key is to respect the individual's unique grieving process and trust they're doing the best they can.

About the Author: 

Karen Lafferty is a BACP Accredited counsellor, supervisor and mental health trainer. Karen has specialised in supporting client and grief practitioners since 2016, and has an online private practice working with people from across the UK. For more information you can access her website at www.continuumcounselling.com or connect with her on Instagram and Facebook @continuumcounselling