Invisible Wounds: Navigating Estrangement and Unacknowledged Grief

May 21

4 min read

Grief is often painted in broad strokes-loss, heartbreak, and mourning, usually in the wake of death. But what happens when the loss is not as the result of a death, but instead due to familial estrangement? As a specialist grief counsellor with over a decade of experience supporting people navigate loss, I'm so aware that grief can take many shapes, and can be present in a whole host of circumstances. In this episode of Grief Unedited, host Karen Lafferty sits down with Stacey, the Superpower Coach, to explore the raw reality of going no contact with family and the unique journey of unacknowledged grief that follows.

A Story of Estrangement

Stacey’s journey began in 2019 when, after years of strained relationships, she made the difficult decision to go no contact with her immediate family. What followed was not a sudden rupture, but the culmination of years of chipped-away trust and connection. “It wasn’t just one big argument. It was the catalyst of a good couple of years consistently, the relationship being chipped away,” Stacey shares.

The decision was not made lightly. Stacey describes the early days as filled with guilt, fear, and a physical sense of loss-“I felt like I was dying. I felt like it was a very physical reaction, and it was something I just could not compute. We were family.” The grief was immediate and profound, but so was a sense of relief: “It was sadness with a lightness, like I feel lighter. I didn’t realise, but I’d always carried this heaviness and weight in my stomach. And I remember going to work and just not having that knot in my stomach anymore”.

Disenfranchised Grief: The Unseen Loss

One of the most challenging aspects of family estrangement is that it rarely receives the recognition or support that comes with other types of loss. There are no cards, no flowers, no rituals to mark the ending. This is what grief experts call disenfranchised grief-a loss that society doesn’t necessarily recognise as valid or significant.

Some examples of times when grief may become disenfranchised are:

Losses not socially recognised: Grief over the loss of a pet, a miscarriage, or the death of a same-sex partner.
Stigmatised deaths: Loss of someone due to AIDS or drug overdose.
Relationships that are not "legitimate": Loss of a partner in a non-traditional relationship or a mentor.
Losses that are not openly acknowledged: Suicide or loss in a traumatic event.
Cultural or personal differences: Discrepancies in mourning practices between different cultural or religious groups.
Self-disenfranchisement: Suppressing one's own grief due to societal expectations or internalised beliefs.

As Karen notes, “If it’s not witnessed by other people, the people that support you, if they’re not in that space of recognising it as a loss, then it could potentially be quite isolating.” Stacey echoes this, reflecting on how the absence of communal recognition can deepen the sense of isolation and shame.

Identity, Boundaries, and Self-Discovery

Estrangement often forces a reckoning with identity. Stacey describes a period of intense self-discovery, learning about emotional literacy, family dynamics, and personality types. She delved into tools like human design and became fascinated by the roles we play in families-sometimes at the expense of our own needs and well-being.

The process of going no contact was gradual. Stacey tried everything to repair the relationship, but ultimately realised that her energy and focus needed to shift-first for her daughter, and eventually for herself. “If I can’t do this for me, I can do it for her. Then gradually, it became about recognising more of, no, actually, I deserve better”.

Practical Wisdom: For Those Considering No Contact

Stacey offers heartfelt advice for anyone contemplating estrangement:

No contact is the last step: Make sure you’re clear it’s the best outcome for you. Try other strategies first, like the “grey rock method”-offering no emotional reaction to provocations, to protect your energy.
Do your research: Learn about family dynamics, co-dependency, and boundaries. Therapy and counselling can be invaluable.
Build a support network: Having even one person to witness your grief and support you makes a massive difference.
Be gentle with yourself: Patterns and triggers will surface, especially around holidays or anniversaries. Self-care and self-awareness are crucial.
Remember, healing is not linear: Stacey was clear that your life won't magically improve or suddenly be perfect when you remove them from your life. Healing takes time and we need to be gentle with ourselves as we make sense of the world without them in it.

Reclaiming Power and Moving Forward

Stacey’s story is a testament to the courage it takes to choose yourself, even when it means letting go of the people you once called home. The journey is not easy and there may be moments of doubt, but also relief, self-discovery, and the possibility of a life rebuilt on your own terms.

If you’re navigating estrangement or unacknowledged grief, know that you’re not alone. As Stacey says, “There’s loads of us out there”. And remember: your grief, no matter how seemingly invisible or unacknowledged by others, is real-and worthy of compassion and care.

If you’d like to book a free consultation call to discuss whether therapy might be of benefit to you on your journey, just pop me an email hello@continuumcounselling.com

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