Grief is so often spoken about in whispers, reserved for after a loss. But what about when grief arrives early-when I find myself mourning someone who is still physically here? This is the world of anticipatory grief, a landscape I’ve come to know both personally and professionally. In this post I want to share my reflections, inspired by a heartfelt conversation with the wonderful Cat Paterson, to help you feel seen, heard and less alone if you’re walking a similar path.
What Is Anticipatory Grief?
When I talk about anticipatory grief, I mean the sense of loss that begins before someone has died. For many, it starts with a life-changing diagnosis or something that alters the course of life, whether it’s a terminal illness or a condition like Alzheimer’s. The grief doesn’t wait for the final goodbye; it seeps in as the person changes before your eyes. And it’s important to say: this grief doesn’t make the pain after a loss any less. If anything, it adds a layer of complexity that others who have not experienced it, may not understand.
Cat’s Story…
Cat shared with me how anticipatory grief became a constant companion after her mum’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis. She reflects that day by day, she lost a little more of the woman she knew as her mum, her personality changed, and their shared history began to change as Cat stepped into the role of carer to her mum. Cat described the pain of wanting to share news with her mum, only to find herself talking at her rather than with her. “She’s still there, but she’s not there as my mum anymore,” Cat said, and I could resonate with the ache in those words.
Finding the Words for Grief
It took Cat a long time to realise what she was feeling was grief. She stumbled across the term “anticipatory grief” online, and it was a lightbulb moment. Naming her experience gave her permission to feel what she was feeling and to be gentle with herself. I know from my own work and life that sometimes, simply having the right words can be a huge relief as it can help us to make sense of our experience and find ways to verbalise what we’re going through to those around us.
Self-Care and Permission
Living with ongoing grief is exhausting. Cat told me she’s become intentional about self-care-curling up under a blanket, letting herself rest, and recharging her batteries. She’s learned to give herself permission to not always hold it together, to nap in the afternoon, to be gentle with herself when her energy is low after visiting her mum.
She’s also strategic about her social energy. Sometimes, connecting with people who don’t know her deeply is easier; they don’t ask difficult questions or try to fix things. Instead, they offer a glimmer of hope that there’s still a sense of normality in her day to day life.
The Power of Connection and Boundaries
I often talk about being careful with where I spend my energy. Some friends are there for deep, meaningful conversations; others are perfect for lightness and distraction. In times of grief, it can be helpful to be intentional about who we have around us and what energy they bring. Cat echoed this, saying she’s learned to be intentional about who she spends time with, depending on what she needs that day.
One of the hardest questions Cat gets asked is, “How’s your mum?” On a good day, she can answer; on a bad day, it can trigger anger or sadness. She’s started telling friends to ask, “How are you? ” or “How’s your family coping?” questions that recognise the ongoing struggle she and her family face. I think that’s such a helpful tip for anyone supporting someone through this kind of grief.
Giving Myself-and Others-Permission
A theme that came up again and again was permission. Permission to rest, to say no, to feel whatever comes up. I remind my clients often that grief changes over time. Grief is messy and non-linear. Some days we feel we’re able to manage our grief, and other days it feels overwhelming. It doesn’t mean we’re failing, it simply means we’re human, grieving the loss of someone we’ve loved or cared about.
I encourage you to advocate for what you need. If you need to be alone, take that space. If you need to connect, reach out. If you need to say no to plans, that’s absolutely your right.
Practical Tips for Navigating Anticipatory Grief
Name your experience: Finding the right words can bring relief and self-compassion.
Practise intentional self-care: Whether it’s solitude, a favourite routine, or gentle company, prioritise what helps you recharge.
Be strategic with your social energy: Choose who you spend time with based on what you need-sometimes deep connection, sometimes gentle distraction.
Set boundaries: Let friends and family know what’s helpful and what isn’t. Give them the “toolkit” to support you.
Allow all emotions: Relief, anger, sadness, even laughter-all are normal parts of the process.
Reach out for support: If you’re struggling, contact friends, a counsellor, or your GP. You’re not alone.
When Grief Feels Overwhelming
Cat bravely shared that after her dad died, she struggled with suicidal thoughts. She reminded me and I want to remind you, that it’s okay to reach out for help, even if it’s to someone who doesn’t know you well. Sometimes, that first step is easier with a bit of distance. Organisations such as Samaritans (https://www.samaritans.org/) are available 24/7 and exist to support people who are going through a hard time.
Small Gestures Matter
Cat shared a beautiful idea: she marks her diary for a few weeks after someone’s funeral, then sends flowers or a card, knowing that’s when the adrenaline has worn off and the real loneliness can set in. It’s a small gesture that can mean so much, and at a time when people may need the support most.
Final Thoughts: Be Kind to Yourself
Grief is messy, unpredictable, and deeply personal. If you’re living with anticipatory grief, know that your experience is valid. You’re allowed to feel, to rest, to seek support, and to find moments of lightness amid the heaviness. If you need help, please reach out to friends, professionals, or communities that understand. You’re not alone.
If you want to connect with me, I’m on Instagram and Facebook at @continuumcounselling, and my website is www.continuumcounseling.com
You can also find Cat at https://catpaterson.com/, where she writes about “ominous positivity” and her own journey.
For support in relation to Alzheimer's, please reach out to: https://www.alzscot.org/
